Marching Band Camp and Stressing Over Summer Homework

BAND TEN HUT!
ONE, TWO!

That's basically what my life has been like for the past week. And it's been lovely. Except for the mosquitoes. And then I realize that school starts in two weeks and we have the Northwestern Band trip the next weekend. Which is awesome when I have so many awesome friends in band. But for one day, I'd like to do nothing.
Scratch that. I think I might need a weekend or two. Or a whole nother summer.
Cause I want to do is dream. And I never sleep during the school week, and I stay up too late during the weekend to come close to catching up. Sorry if this post is kind of random, but this is mainly so I can get my thoughts all straightened out to write this story I'm working on.
I am quite tired of all this political talk. I feel like the only way I can connect with my parents is if I talk politics but that is way to personal when I have so different views than they do. I'm atheist, bisexual, very open about sexual experimentation (consensual and not endangering to anyone's health). And that's the problem I have with pornography. It's acting!
But so many people think they can apply it to real life. There's a difference between, "You wanna try that?" and "Come on! You'll love it!"... No.
That's why there are safe words. But people are so creeped out by BDSM that they don't even want to have a safe word. But then you don't know boundaries and one thing leads to another and someone feels violated and it just ends badly. This is really rambling but it helps clear my head.
Thanks for listening (reading... whatever), but get those safe words!
Marybeth out!

No One's Probably Reading This... And That's Okay!

Okay, this is a post just for myself. It's been a while and I think our writing group has kind of given up on this blog stuff. But I need to vent. And I don't have a car so this is just going to be for the interwebs.
I've done a lot of soul searching crap over this summer. I went to Germany for 3 weeks were I found out how to love again, I've gone on the internets a lot too because it is a system written by and for humans and I've just stayed up way past my bed time thinking. I've realized I hate politics, I'm an asshole (god, I still hate admitting that...), I'm still fuzzy on my sexuality even though I know I'm VERY attracted to those of the female persuasion, and I just like being alone. People scare me. And I think I should get over that fear soon but I just don't care anymore. Oh, and even though I'm a virgin, SLUT PRIDE!! God, I love lesbian comediennes.
I don't feel empty so much anymore. But with school looming above us all, I can't help but flail a bit. And now my mom is all, "Lets visit colleges!! YAY! Family bonding!" ...no.
I don't want to go to college. I want to stay home and sleep on the couch downstairs where I have been sleeping since I got home from the canoe trip. I take my messes very seriously and I don't fuck them up when I don't have to. That said. I miss my couch.
As for my mommy issues... Why do I even have those? It's not like she beat me or ignored me when I was a child. I just think we have different priorities in life and mine are... unconventional.
I am very open-minded to sexual "deviant" behavior. While my mom is terribly straight laced. I mean PRUDECICLE!! She totally freaked out when that one Senator guy took a picture of his penis. And it wasn't a bad penis at all! I'm not into it or anything but it's not like he was trying to show off stuff he didn't have. But my mom called him a pervert and I was like, "For that?"
She also has this belief in evil. She thinks you can see it in kid's actions and their eyes. I knew this one girl at  church and my mom was talking about how people could see the devil in her eyes (it was an intense pair of eyes, don't get me wrong), but I saw a fire that would burn through the darkness when the all light in the world seemed gone. And then there was this one kid who said he liked the smell of gasoline. I know most people don't but it's a different smell. It's exotic and dangerous. It's... explosive. Who wouldn't like anything else like that? So what's the big deal? I don't know.
I just think we're two different people. She's still stuck in the religious chains she grew up in even as she keeps trying to shed them, but she didn't put them on me. And I thank her every day for that. I would jump up and down for joy every day if I wasn't so goddamned tired that I can live my own life without having to endure a steady stream of ignorance shoved down my throat every day. Even if I have to live most of my life in secret. Oh, surprise college visits are gonna be fun...

12 am

As you can tell by the title, I'm staying up late over spring break. I feel better at night. I feel like this is the one time no one expects anything from me. I don't have to be anything or anyone. I can sit against the shadows of my mind and delve into the nightmares that I swallow up so greedily. 

The nightmares seem so harmless now, when the sun isn't there to protect you and you realize you don't need to fear the emptiness they bring. The realization that they are just dreams and whatever emotion you felt, fear, lust, happiness, anger, never really happened. That you forgot half of whatever was prancing around in the messed up chaos of your subconscious 5 minutes after waking. 

But it still hurts. The sickness that is in my mind was there before I fell asleep, and is still within, under the surface. A surface that is cracking with every dream I hold on to. Every false memory conjured from the depths in my head clings onto the madness and brings it closer to this reality.

The insecurities, the jealousy, the seething rage... Am I a bad person for my sins? If this is my foundation, how am I to build a better person out of myself? How the hell am I supposed to become someone worth remembering if I can't even see past the horrors behind these eyes?

How am I supposed to walk through life when my feet slip at every turn, every regret?

Sometimes I feel like I wasn't fit for this life. Or life in general. Why would I be given such a wonderful life when I don't even know how to use it? When I can't even feel my own pulse without cringing? When I need to shut my heart down and try not to feel just to get through the day sometimes?

I know all I ask is questions here but somedays I can't even smile without it being a lie. I feel so disjointed and pulled apart. Then someone tried to put me back together but forgot a piece or two. 

I'm just so tired of having to regret my whole life. I'm so tired of second guessing myself and then letting it all just fall away. I wish I could rest, but then the nightmares bring me back to the abyss.

What can I do but stare?

Like wind carrying me off my feet, just to remind me I have to come back down to earth.

Empty again...

Well... This seems to be reacurring theme. God dammit. Ya know, I don't want to feel this way all the bloody time. It seems like its just in my nature. Like I was born to reach a certain limit and then just shut off. I have all these emotions that are burning in my throat and if I just took three seconds to breathe in some new air, I'd feel better. I'd feel the world fall slightly back into place. But instead I just expect a huge life event to right everything that's spinning out of control. Or at least something big that will make a lot of things seem better...
Except I don't know what better is anymore. It's a giant question and I'm still contemplating who the fuck came up with the whole question mark. Who the hell was the first person to come up with a ?? This is all supposed to be meaningful and deep but it just shows how I spend so much time on the little, specific questions that I don't do shit about making life more awesome or decreasing the suck in this world (go nerdfighters!).
I'm being more truthful to myself. But I don't know if that is helping me or just hiding other things from myself that I actually want to change.
Take my violent tendencies. I was a tomboy. Which made me grow up in the world of male status climbers, usually through brute force at that time because smart kids were nerds and you didn't realize that they'll probably rule the world when you grow up. So I do feel a need to overpower at least someone. Or I just feel depressed/angry/severely disturbed... People say that I'm being mature admitting this all to myself but, I could just be covering a deeper issue up or just making an excuse not to change myself. So I've been filled with nothing but questions and a vacancy.
I feel like a grey shell. Not black, not white, just a dull grey. I don't feel... at all really. And that is fucking scary. And then I feel the fright and the terror of possibly becoming a heartless monster and I freeze. I don't take that breath of new air that would stretch my lungs and calm me down. But I nervously look behind my shoulder every time I feel my little heartless self dredge itself up from within and blink blandly into the light.
I know I sound paranoid but I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to become a serial killer. I just want a life with people I love, not memories that make me wince (ATREYU REFERENCE! 10 POINTS FOR RAVENCLAW!!). Sorry. I do love them so.
But yea. Those are my paranoid ramblings about my fears about either being anti-social, border-line psychotic, emotioally stunted or a future schizophrenic. Yep.
Thanks for bearing with me. You rock.

Action before thought

First of all, I would like to wish everyone a politically correct winter holiday! And I would also like to tell all of you how much I treasure each one of you in your own special way. You make my life complete even if I can't find the right words to express that love.
But life happens and those times were I might have been able to show how much you mean to me, get lost. They fall in between the cracks of time that I wish could have been filled by something more than trepidation and  awkward glances were my eyes are full but my jaw is set. I wish I could communicate with something more that just mere words because emotions preceded languages. But then I fear that my heart would run dry.
And I just wanted to say how lucky I. For my awesome friends, my family, my house, my life, my everything. I don't feel it at times when I get a bad grade in Apush or when my family doesn't understand the way I function. But I am. I eat so well I feel like I need to grow a second stomach. I get everything I need at Christmas and I can turn on warm fireplace when it gets cold. I wish I could fully understand that. But when my family starts stressing, I get caught up in their frustrations and it hurts me more than they know. The thing that troubles me the most is that I've begun to stop caring. I've begun to witness how little words and promises can mean. How cracks can open up in the ground and you can stuff them shut with "I will"'s and "I promise"'s and anything else you want. It's an awful way to live.
And I don't want to become like that. So if you guys would do me the great service to yell at me if I don't fulfill a promise and to badger me until it's done or until I die because otherwise I'll have this aching in my chest that probably isn't going to go away for a while.
Or maybe it's just heartburn...

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Cwazy Kwanza and a Happy New Year!

The new term...

I keep having these dreams where I'm in school but it's different. The hallways get smaller as you go down them or the ground is uneven, the rooms are darker than usual and cramped with strange colors and smells emanating from doorways. Then there are the dreams where I'm late, I don't have my books, I've just started in the middle of the year or it's just the wrong room (or I don't have my shirt...). And I can't help feelings of foreboding. Like I'm just wandering through these empty halls filled with people; lost and the bell is about to ring.
My friends are closer, I like my classes more and I'm finding more about myself everyday but it's quickly becoming unstable. Like a tower ready to topple and there is absolutely no stopping it.
I'm falling, flailing, scratching at air. There is no balance, no safety net waiting to catch me. The wind picks up around my ears and all I can hear is life rushing around me. But I'm always falling through it. When a moment comes, no matter how hard I try to slow down and breathe in the air, it's gone. Floating somewhere above my head in the cyclone that my life has become.
So I hold on. I grasp the moments I can salvage in my mind and pull them into my imagination, trying to relive them because at times, they still seem like the only real thing to hold on to. Then I realize I'm passing this now by.
So I'm trying. Trying to live now. But it's getting harder the less sleep I get and the more homework I receive. And so I sigh, trying to fill my being with something other than panic. Something that feels right.

Carrying on... Somehow

Somehow, I've made it this far. It's the middle of October and I'm already starting to feel that burnt out feeling. The one where you know you've gone so far and the next step is going to make you fall and bleed. But time's got your back. Or rather, it's pushing you ahead; forcing you to go on even when your tank is running on empty. And that's just school. Chores, visitors that just tire the crap out of you (and for some reason, only speak Arabic), and trying to maintain a social life while scraping by on the bare minimum of sleep is a fucking chemical bomb smiling at me.
Taunting me.
Jabbing its razor sharp finger in my face and pointing out that my toes are already touching my breaking point. I don't even have enough time to be writing this. I've lost. Life won and I lost.
So I'm drowning myself in anything will take away the awful realization of how much I've screwed up in just a month or two. When did four years become so important? When did my life spin out of control? When did I even have the smallest semblance of control in my life? Cause I'd like that feeling back. I'd like to actually feel like what I'm doing makes the smallest difference.
Why did I have to wake up? Why couldn't I have just lost myself in school, or my friends, or anything that actually mattered? But no.
I'm lost in this idiotic thing called my mind where it can't distinguish between midnight or 3 am until the next morning. Where my mom's voice is as distant as an echo until she's standing in my room, yelling and wondering why I'm not vacuuming, studying, reading, or doing something mildly productive. Where nothing means anything until it's gone.
Even now, with some Snow Patrol playing, I'm stuck in a place between action and thought, and I'm lost.
How do I get out of this cycle of just waiting for the yelling to start, the grades to fall, the dog to start whining, the house to catch on fire before I finally turn the facet on and douse the flames bucket by insufficient bucket?
When do the flames at last consume their creator? When will my nights burn bright from my own skin? When will this world actually make sense to the person trapped beneath her warm and consoling blankets? When will the questions end and German grammar will actually make sense and people will finally be able to grade my quizzes correctly? (Okay, it's not in the right blank but I did the work and it makes sense!)
Angst... Teenage Angst. The Bane of my current existence.
Sleep is my own consolation. Sorry friends, family, role models, favorite authors, teachers, pets, movies, books, and even Buffy. But my mind is weary and my eyes are sore.
There is an expectation everyone has in their lives and of themselves. I've been... misled by mine. School was supposed to be something I could handle. Life was just a conduit for my innermost thoughts and this... was supposed to mean something.
You try to make something out of it.
I can't.