Well... This seems to be reacurring theme. God dammit. Ya know, I don't want to feel this way all the bloody time. It seems like its just in my nature. Like I was born to reach a certain limit and then just shut off. I have all these emotions that are burning in my throat and if I just took three seconds to breathe in some new air, I'd feel better. I'd feel the world fall slightly back into place. But instead I just expect a huge life event to right everything that's spinning out of control. Or at least something big that will make a lot of things seem better...
Except I don't know what better is anymore. It's a giant question and I'm still contemplating who the fuck came up with the whole question mark. Who the hell was the first person to come up with a ?? This is all supposed to be meaningful and deep but it just shows how I spend so much time on the little, specific questions that I don't do shit about making life more awesome or decreasing the suck in this world (go nerdfighters!).
I'm being more truthful to myself. But I don't know if that is helping me or just hiding other things from myself that I actually want to change.
Take my violent tendencies. I was a tomboy. Which made me grow up in the world of male status climbers, usually through brute force at that time because smart kids were nerds and you didn't realize that they'll probably rule the world when you grow up. So I do feel a need to overpower at least someone. Or I just feel depressed/angry/severely disturbed... People say that I'm being mature admitting this all to myself but, I could just be covering a deeper issue up or just making an excuse not to change myself. So I've been filled with nothing but questions and a vacancy.
I feel like a grey shell. Not black, not white, just a dull grey. I don't feel... at all really. And that is fucking scary. And then I feel the fright and the terror of possibly becoming a heartless monster and I freeze. I don't take that breath of new air that would stretch my lungs and calm me down. But I nervously look behind my shoulder every time I feel my little heartless self dredge itself up from within and blink blandly into the light.
I know I sound paranoid but I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to become a serial killer. I just want a life with people I love, not memories that make me wince (ATREYU REFERENCE! 10 POINTS FOR RAVENCLAW!!). Sorry. I do love them so.
But yea. Those are my paranoid ramblings about my fears about either being anti-social, border-line psychotic, emotioally stunted or a future schizophrenic. Yep.
Thanks for bearing with me. You rock.
