The nightmares seem so harmless now, when the sun isn't there to protect you and you realize you don't need to fear the emptiness they bring. The realization that they are just dreams and whatever emotion you felt, fear, lust, happiness, anger, never really happened. That you forgot half of whatever was prancing around in the messed up chaos of your subconscious 5 minutes after waking.
But it still hurts. The sickness that is in my mind was there before I fell asleep, and is still within, under the surface. A surface that is cracking with every dream I hold on to. Every false memory conjured from the depths in my head clings onto the madness and brings it closer to this reality.
The insecurities, the jealousy, the seething rage... Am I a bad person for my sins? If this is my foundation, how am I to build a better person out of myself? How the hell am I supposed to become someone worth remembering if I can't even see past the horrors behind these eyes?
How am I supposed to walk through life when my feet slip at every turn, every regret?
Sometimes I feel like I wasn't fit for this life. Or life in general. Why would I be given such a wonderful life when I don't even know how to use it? When I can't even feel my own pulse without cringing? When I need to shut my heart down and try not to feel just to get through the day sometimes?
I know all I ask is questions here but somedays I can't even smile without it being a lie. I feel so disjointed and pulled apart. Then someone tried to put me back together but forgot a piece or two.
I'm just so tired of having to regret my whole life. I'm so tired of second guessing myself and then letting it all just fall away. I wish I could rest, but then the nightmares bring me back to the abyss.
What can I do but stare?
Like wind carrying me off my feet, just to remind me I have to come back down to earth.
