I keep having these dreams where I'm in school but it's different. The hallways get smaller as you go down them or the ground is uneven, the rooms are darker than usual and cramped with strange colors and smells emanating from doorways. Then there are the dreams where I'm late, I don't have my books, I've just started in the middle of the year or it's just the wrong room (or I don't have my shirt...). And I can't help feelings of foreboding. Like I'm just wandering through these empty halls filled with people; lost and the bell is about to ring.
My friends are closer, I like my classes more and I'm finding more about myself everyday but it's quickly becoming unstable. Like a tower ready to topple and there is absolutely no stopping it.
I'm falling, flailing, scratching at air. There is no balance, no safety net waiting to catch me. The wind picks up around my ears and all I can hear is life rushing around me. But I'm always falling through it. When a moment comes, no matter how hard I try to slow down and breathe in the air, it's gone. Floating somewhere above my head in the cyclone that my life has become.
So I hold on. I grasp the moments I can salvage in my mind and pull them into my imagination, trying to relive them because at times, they still seem like the only real thing to hold on to. Then I realize I'm passing this now by.
So I'm trying. Trying to live now. But it's getting harder the less sleep I get and the more homework I receive. And so I sigh, trying to fill my being with something other than panic. Something that feels right.
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