Okay, this is a post just for myself. It's been a while and I think our writing group has kind of given up on this blog stuff. But I need to vent. And I don't have a car so this is just going to be for the interwebs.
I've done a lot of soul searching crap over this summer. I went to Germany for 3 weeks were I found out how to love again, I've gone on the internets a lot too because it is a system written by and for humans and I've just stayed up way past my bed time thinking. I've realized I hate politics, I'm an asshole (god, I still hate admitting that...), I'm still fuzzy on my sexuality even though I know I'm VERY attracted to those of the female persuasion, and I just like being alone. People scare me. And I think I should get over that fear soon but I just don't care anymore. Oh, and even though I'm a virgin, SLUT PRIDE!! God, I love lesbian comediennes.
I don't feel empty so much anymore. But with school looming above us all, I can't help but flail a bit. And now my mom is all, "Lets visit colleges!! YAY! Family bonding!" ...no.
I don't want to go to college. I want to stay home and sleep on the couch downstairs where I have been sleeping since I got home from the canoe trip. I take my messes very seriously and I don't fuck them up when I don't have to. That said. I miss my couch.
As for my mommy issues... Why do I even have those? It's not like she beat me or ignored me when I was a child. I just think we have different priorities in life and mine are... unconventional.
I am very open-minded to sexual "deviant" behavior. While my mom is terribly straight laced. I mean PRUDECICLE!! She totally freaked out when that one Senator guy took a picture of his penis. And it wasn't a bad penis at all! I'm not into it or anything but it's not like he was trying to show off stuff he didn't have. But my mom called him a pervert and I was like, "For that?"
She also has this belief in evil. She thinks you can see it in kid's actions and their eyes. I knew this one girl at church and my mom was talking about how people could see the devil in her eyes (it was an intense pair of eyes, don't get me wrong), but I saw a fire that would burn through the darkness when the all light in the world seemed gone. And then there was this one kid who said he liked the smell of gasoline. I know most people don't but it's a different smell. It's exotic and dangerous. It's... explosive. Who wouldn't like anything else like that? So what's the big deal? I don't know.
I just think we're two different people. She's still stuck in the religious chains she grew up in even as she keeps trying to shed them, but she didn't put them on me. And I thank her every day for that. I would jump up and down for joy every day if I wasn't so goddamned tired that I can live my own life without having to endure a steady stream of ignorance shoved down my throat every day. Even if I have to live most of my life in secret. Oh, surprise college visits are gonna be fun...
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